Push and Pull

About mid-May I met a man. Not typically my type but his genuine personality was charming. We went on a date.

I had interest but he being in the middle of a divorce was off-setting. I quick over came that and enjoyed my time with him. He was honestly perfect and that is frightening.

I was scared. I spent my time either paralyzingly afraid of a relationship or afraid of taking that risk, putting my heart in to it and losing it. The problem I didn’t notice was my heart was already in it. I use every excuse to figure a way out but at the same time I didn’t want to be out.

It was an internal conflict; wanting to be with him and being afraid of losing him. Wanting to allow myself to accept how I felt and trying to push them away because of my past. Maybe that time I spent doing that was too much of him, I am not sure.

Needless to say, he is gone now. I realized it was better to be in fear and be with him then to be in fear and be without him. Now I fear I broke my own heart for not allowing myself to open up.

I pushed him away when he was trying to pull me in. Now I am falling from all the pushing.

Emotional Steel Creatures

Originally I was going to write this blog about how I am still love and care for my ex. That is true but thinking about it I realize something, the excuse I make for him about us not being together is the same excuse pretty much every guy has given me.

"I like you a lot but I am emotionally damage" or "I have too many issues with myself and past relationships"

As mean as this sounds, this is making me laugh at this point. Everyone has emotional damage. We are not made of steel. Humans are fragile creates with complex emotions. Of course you are damaged, we all are.

The difference is how we handle it. I have learned to live through it. I have more damage than people would like to believe. The reason mine doesn’t show as much is because I use it as fuel. I take it, change it and make it positive. There is no reason what so ever to use past transgressions stop you in your tracks. If you let that happen in your love life, how long will it take till it stops your everyday life?

Especially if you are using what someone else did to you and punishing the next person. That is not fair to your new person since they have not done anything wrong.

The point of this is, we all have damage/ baggage/ issues. Turn that negative in to a positive to make your future better not worse.

Choices and Standstills

I have had chances to date people. Not just anyone but people who want relationships. I have always thought that all I wanted was that. I wanted a relationship but every time I choose someone I know in the back of my mind they don’t.

Let’s take the last two guys I have written about. I was well aware of the way the “forbidden fruit” felt about relationships. I had known him and done that dance with him for that long. Still I chose to want to be with him, knowing. The one I had talk to after him I also knew how he felt and decided to continue.

Now I am in a position to have a chance at a relationship with someone who I did not see that happening with. It isn’t a bad thing.

I just find myself going in circles trying to find a reason not to. I have gone so long without one and being on my own that I am scared of being with someone other than me. It sound selfish in a way. Staying out of relationships for the benefit of doing what I want without worrying about a partner.

Maybe it is because I am young. I am not sure but I openly saying I am scared of the idea of a relationship. Either way, I have to conquer this fear over and over.

"Fear isn’t an excuse to come to a standstill. It’s the impetus to step up and strike." -Arthur Ashe

The Rise and Fall of Valentines Day.

Valentines came and went. I debated about writing about it that day since I was treating the day like any other day. I had decided not to until something  odd happened.

My friends texted me. (Seems a bit mellow dramatic to be honest) They had told me that they met my ex. The one I was and in a way still in love with. That shook my world. They had told me that he had purposely gone up to them and asked if they knew me. Then he proceeded to speak fondly of me. They told me that he mentioned caring a lot about me and that it seemed like he was still in love with me.

In my heart, I always hoped he was my boomerang love. I set him free and I hoped he would come back. I had hoped that that in the few days after valentines day that he would call or message me. (Give that I told my friend to imply him doing that) But, due to my lack of patience I messaged him myself. He did not reply. I tried to my best to think of the best with situations and I didn’t do that well. I unwillingly broke my own heart.

I could never blame him for this happening, nor do I want him to feel horrible about it.  It was my own doing. I am just glad that he thinks fondly of me because he honestly changed my life for the better.

I just still hope he will be a boomerang love.

Move On To The Next One…Maybe.

Over the past couple of months I have noticed my own faults. It’s odd that I have noticed them because I have also tried to stop analyzing myself. The one thing I did notice was transference.

When I was about 19, I dated a guy and after things ended I decided to date another guy to get over him (oddly enough they had the same name). It worked to an extent. I did stop thinking about the first guy but now they way I felt about the first guy I felt about the second one. I transferred my feelings. I will say that the second guy did give me reasons to like him for him at the time. I knew that I was doing all this back then.

Recently, I noticed that I have done this with most of the guys I have developed feelings for. Even the last guy I couldn’t get out of my head. Originally he was there and he helped me push back my feelings for the one man I truly loved. Over time, I noticed that I developed feelings for him. In the past six years I think I truly really like three or four people. Because of these four people I transferred feelings to others.

I feel quite horrible about it. Without even thinking about it I used people. I guess I really need to learn to get myself some space before dating other people.

Forbidden Fruit.

Something has been bothering me. I recently I have been spending time will a person I am certainly fond of. Whether we are ready for a relationship or not he made very easy to tell him. It was quite a relief since every other time I had told someone it went wrong.

This time was wonderful, though. So I have continued  to spend time with him. The thing that is bothering me I can get the guy from the last post out of my head. I have missed him more that I usually do. I have even thought about going to get coffee with him because I know it will end in a hug.

I wondered why I have been missing him, maybe it is because this time he is staying away from me. It’s not his fault, but my own. I told him we were done and pretty much implied to leave me alone. I never knew he was going to listen to me, for once.

The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, but it can also be deadly.

 With that said, I have to stay away.

Perfectly Flawed

It has been 15 days in to the year and I can say for a fact I am happy for the changes I have made in my love life. In the past two weeks I have dealt with a the same person in my last post.

I can honestly say I see the good in him. I usually can see the good in people, even if it is miniscule. We had an argument. This started as nothing but lead to him telling me that he and I as couple, (as well as just myself) have flaws when it comes to a relationship.

Now I don’t completely agree. I will admit to commitment issues and my anxiety getting the best of me as well as holding me back. The reason it was even brought up was because I told him I could not …let’s say “play monopoly” without getting emotionally involved. Now, I could have played monopoly but I know where that is gonna put me. I am a sore loser when it comes to monopoly and I seem to always lose. I made this decision for myself. Not for him, not for me right now, but for me in the long run.

I never noticed that this one person without even trying has done damage to me. In a way everyone does. It is just what we do with it what really matters. This time I decided to move on and not let it get the best of me.

I cried my tears and now it is time to move on to better things. I am happy with who I am, flaws and all. Someone worth my time will learn to love those flaws because those make me who I am.

Most Important Year of My Life (so far)

Over my twenty-three years (I am rounding up) of my life I think there has been important moments in my life. Relationship wise I have also had important firsts.
This year though, was not a first. This year was about revealing what I need to know about others and myself.

I spent the year single. Of course, I have done this before but this is the first time that I was indifferent to the idea. Other times I spent the time thinking either “I love being single why date people” or “why I am I single?” I didn’t realize this till I had a conversation with an old acquaintance. He asked me about my love life, since that is usually what everyone usually associates me with now.

I took a moment and realized that I hadn’t even thought about it in a while. I had talked to a few gentlemen over the year but nothing ever really serious and I never met anything to turn in to more. Most importantly, I realized I was happy.

I had been happy without even thinking about relationships or love. In that moment I had confirmed to myself that I usually over think things. That is all. Over the years I had avoided over thinking my actions that in result I over think my thoughts. I knew that I though a lot about how I would say things but that was to make sure I said what I need to say. But it is just the realization that I tried too much to control my own life was mind-blowing.

There is not much point to this post beside that, don’t try to control your life. If you do you will be miserable and tired. Don’t over think things, even over thinking. Like the Beatles said “let it be”. And when it comes to life, just go with it.

“The only thing constant in life is change” -François de la Rochefoucauld

Life as a Marshmallow

It is easy for someone to tell you to toughen up or to get thicker skin, but to actually do so is so much more difficult. One doesn’t just develop a thicker skin over night. Just like reptiles it takes time for us to shed our old skin to reveal the newer, stronger one.

Over the years I will admit that I have not had the thickest skin. I am pretty much a marshmallow. Soft but when burned I am tougher on the outside. But I wonder about other people and how they can be so tough and/or cold. It is so hard for me to be tough, or cold. Even to play games with someone to get my was is difficult.

I have recently created a tougher skin but there is always one person in my life (at any given time) that makes me feel softer or more vulnerable than I am. I do my best to not show people my vulnerable moments but I have them. So how does one create a skin tough enough to attract and keep someone? If you show vulnerability you seem needy or clingy. I am not either of these. Where is the middle between the needy and personable?

Books About…

I often go through phases in my life.  Phases are like books to me. After I read a book I see things and think of things differently, but during the book I follow the ups and downs.

I feel like I am in a different book in the series of my life. Over the years I have, undoubtedly, been more consumed about relationships than I should be. It is not a bad thing to want that companionship, it is bad when you think you can’t live with out it. Of course, it is only human nature to want and need that affection.

Now, though, I would only want it but not need it. I tried telling this to a friend.  I told him that, in all honesty, I did not want to get married. He (as well as my best friend) said that it seems like I have commitment issues. This is positivity not true.

I will not lie and say that I haven’t had them before. Now, it is a much different time. I no longer feel the need to receive assurance from anyone but my self. This is what I think I truly wanted from past relationships. The greatest satisfaction I have received, recently, is from myself.

This is why I don’t want to get married (besides religious reasons, but that is a whole another blog that I would need to start). I feel like these days too many woman are searching for Mr. Right when they don’t realize that they are Ms. Right and don’t need the Mister. I would love companionship as much as the next person but my point is I don’t need it. I don’t need that Mr.Right to tell me how pretty I am or how smart I am. I can’t do that on my own. I don’t need that self-esteem boost from anyone but myself.

I am my own Ms. Right.

Open Baggage

Shortly after posting Baggage Mininal, Please I recived quite a few text messages. I recieved the first one from the man I had dated and wrote about. He asked me why I wrote about him.

Frankly, I didn’t think he remembered me telling him that I write this blog. If he did remember he would have also remembered that I write about pretty much everything that happens in my dating life. Telling guys about it is their warning to what will come next. I never write about people out of spite. (I tend to draft those untill I can have a clear consensous about what I am trying to see if learned anything from the situation.)

The next message came from his wife. (Yes, his wife.) She cleared a few things up for me. Letting me know they were married and could prove it with a marriage license. After making some what of a truce, she asked me to tell her everything that happened. I did.

I see it as I deserved to know everything and she told me that. I owed her the same, because we both have been cheated. She was cheated on and lied to, but I was cheated out of the truth. 

Turns out that my instincts where right. He was married, and I was made a secret. Never in my life do I want to be a secret to anyone or play second fiddle to anyone. Nor, should anyone who doesn’t choose to. What I have done from the beginning of dating him was ended because that is what my instincts told me to do.

Baggage Minimal, Please.

Over the past month and a half I thought I had been dating some one quite wonderful. He seemed caring, smart, funny and stable; it was a relief to meet someone so lovely.

Til we got comfortable, this is where he started making comments about how many of my friends were male. He has an issue with me being friends with the person we met through. And in a bad series of events, his ex-girlfriend some how got my phone number and started harassing me.

It’s fine and dandy for me because harassing ex’s tend over-exaggerate the truth. She told me they were married. He told me they were never married and he wasn’t with her. When it came to the trust issues, I let him know that if he had an issue trusting me we were never going to work. I am a honest person and will tell what happen if someone asks. Things were fine after.

UNTIL, my old friend sent me a message saying he wanted to have coffee. I have not seen this friend in 7 years. The trouble about this was that the guy I was dating went through my phone. I was quite upset by the fact that he did that, but he made it seem more like I did something wrong. I was confused about it because I never went out with my friend, therefore there is not reason to be upset with me.

Not until his ex moved back to the state did I realize what was going on. Once she moved back (with his children) did quit talking to me. Honestly, I am quite fine with it because I am not in the place in my life for a relationship.

The thing I learned about all this is, if there are problems before they say your are their boyfriend/girlfriend it is not worth the effort. The beginning should never be a struggle. And their baggage should be minimal.

Reward System

This week an old friend as me an excellent question about relationships;

”..what if you met an awesome guy and he just poured out his trust on you totally, do you automatically trust him?”

No. I see relationships as simple reward system when it comes to trust. In the beginning you want to give them some trust, but not all. If you don’t have any trust in the beginning you are pretty much doomed, but if you trust completely you are pretty much putting your heart near a paper shredder and hoping it doesn’t fall in.

See, if you don’t give someone trust it makes it harder for your partner to doing things with out you flipping your lid. I understand if they do something that you find less then pleasing and you get upset. I have been there, but I have also been in the position where I just do nothing and get in trouble. If you can’t try to trust someone in a relationship it is because in reality you don’t trust yourself in a relationship (that is unless you have a reason to trust that particular person).

Every relationship I have entered since I was abused was a risk of not knowing if it would happen again. I trusted every person afterward enough to proceed with the relationship. Most importantly, I trusted myself to be observant enough leave a relationship if I though it was going to happen again.

Losing My Religion.

I have pretty much given up most of, if not all, my faith up on a successful relationship for me.

I am not bitter about it nor am I happy about; just indifferent to it. I don’t have a problem attracting people, but I have become to smart to give anyone a chance.

I start flirting with someone and when they show a genuine interest, I leave. Most people do this because they have been hurt to much, I don’t. Those times I was hurt were proud battle wounds. Lessons learned. I don’t enjoy being alone but I am not angry about it either. I just rather not waste my time one meeting people who’s intent is purely sexual.

I understand that there has to be a certain amount of sexual attraction at first glance, but for some reason mine never goes past that.

Dating has just become more than my cup of tea. Too much.

Stalking or Living?

In life we are taught that there is the one you will spend the rest of your life with. The One you are supposed to marry, the one you are supposed to have children with. Dating’s intentions are just a mission to find the one.

I started wondering why we are all so determined to find the end to our life? Are we not supposed to enjoy life as it comes? See when dating you must have something to interest a partner other than pure sexual attraction (Lesson of the week: sexual attraction will only take to so far than your personality does the rest). If you are so busy looking for “the one” when they come alone you just might not have anything to offer beside they quest of finding them. Which in a way seems like emotional stalking. Dating is never a waste but its like medication; you must only take it in small dosage because you can become addicted and ruin your life.

Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.- Grace Hansen