The Reason Why You Shouldn’t be an Invisible Doormat

It’s been a while since I have written anything. I have been a bit frazzled on what to write about. Lots of topic I have thought about but none stuck, until last night.

I was on the phone with a friend I used to have feelings for. I have written about him before. He was telling me about is recently relationship and how he feels about the most recent girl. That is wonderful I am genuinely happy for people when they find love. After all I love love.

The problem is how he was talking about her. Telling me he finally found a “good girl”.

That hurt.

I don’t see myself as a bad girl. I actually wish I had more of a backbone because I can’t even handle confrontation. I am never mean in a relationship and I keep complaining nagging to a minimum. I am not the type of girl who makes you choose over me over your friends. Or they type that asks for a lot.

All I want out a relationship is mutual affection, compassion and understanding. All that it really needs is love (or a very strong like). So if this constitutes a “good girl” why was I never seen or described that way?

It seems to me that maybe I have made myself so much a “people pleaser” that I am turning in to an invisible doormat.

I say doormat because more than half of the time you don’t even know you are walking all over one but you are. And when you notice it’s there it is a just a nice coincidence. I honestly don’t even know what to do to change this since I also don’t want to be a mean person. How do you stop being invisible or a doormat, or even a invisible doormat?

Twisted Fantasy; Possibilities or Lack There Of

So, I spent so time thinking about things. About my future and my past. I thought about how much I have wanted to be with my ex and how he and I have discussed it on multiple occasions.

We have always talked about it after we broke up but never really tired getting back together. Seem to me that all we talk about is that. So, I started to wonder what we would have if we did get together. Would we really have anything?

Then I started to think, why we are still around each other and when we are we act as if things haven’t changed. Yet when we hang out we still doing get back together.

I think it is because we are both afraid. Afraid of losing what we had but at the same time after that if we get back together we find out it really isn’t the same. We are living in a twisted fantasy.

Because of this fantasy, I stop myself from seeing the possibility of being as happy as I was with him with someone else. I am doing the same for him, too. I am honestly confused as what to do or what I want.

Because I want him but can’t have him I am not sure if I should move on. I still love him and I don’t want to hurt him. But at the same time I might be hurting myself. This is why I have, really, avoided any serious dating for the past two years. I am not sure what I want so I don’t want to confirm something I am not sure of.

At this point, what do I do?

The Rise and Fall of Valentines Day.

Valentines came and went. I debated about writing about it that day since I was treating the day like any other day. I had decided not to until something  odd happened.

My friends texted me. (Seems a bit mellow dramatic to be honest) They had told me that they met my ex. The one I was and in a way still in love with. That shook my world. They had told me that he had purposely gone up to them and asked if they knew me. Then he proceeded to speak fondly of me. They told me that he mentioned caring a lot about me and that it seemed like he was still in love with me.

In my heart, I always hoped he was my boomerang love. I set him free and I hoped he would come back. I had hoped that that in the few days after valentines day that he would call or message me. (Give that I told my friend to imply him doing that) But, due to my lack of patience I messaged him myself. He did not reply. I tried to my best to think of the best with situations and I didn’t do that well. I unwillingly broke my own heart.

I could never blame him for this happening, nor do I want him to feel horrible about it.  It was my own doing. I am just glad that he thinks fondly of me because he honestly changed my life for the better.

I just still hope he will be a boomerang love.

Perfectly Flawed

It has been 15 days in to the year and I can say for a fact I am happy for the changes I have made in my love life. In the past two weeks I have dealt with a the same person in my last post.

I can honestly say I see the good in him. I usually can see the good in people, even if it is miniscule. We had an argument. This started as nothing but lead to him telling me that he and I as couple, (as well as just myself) have flaws when it comes to a relationship.

Now I don’t completely agree. I will admit to commitment issues and my anxiety getting the best of me as well as holding me back. The reason it was even brought up was because I told him I could not …let’s say “play monopoly” without getting emotionally involved. Now, I could have played monopoly but I know where that is gonna put me. I am a sore loser when it comes to monopoly and I seem to always lose. I made this decision for myself. Not for him, not for me right now, but for me in the long run.

I never noticed that this one person without even trying has done damage to me. In a way everyone does. It is just what we do with it what really matters. This time I decided to move on and not let it get the best of me.

I cried my tears and now it is time to move on to better things. I am happy with who I am, flaws and all. Someone worth my time will learn to love those flaws because those make me who I am.

It’s as Easy as One, Two, Three…

It’s odd the place I am in. I am happy. That is it. I am happy.

I feel liberated. Maybe it is because after a year of licking my wounds they have healed. Over the past couple of months I notice some things. One, I was indeed in love spring of 2011. I am glad this happened, it gave me hope that there are people out there that want me for me. It’s nice to know that someone like me is considered a gem.

Two, I found a new respect for myself. I will never say that I didn’t respect myself but the amount of respect was low. I dated people who made me feel less than garbage. Only after revisiting my all time low did I notice I deserved more. I have removed the wool from of my eye to see a beautiful world of possibilities.

Three, in a way I freed my self to focus on something more than intimate relationships. Certainly I was always goal orientated, but it has come to my surprise that most of my goals were focused on relationships. For this reason I have made it a goal to make better goals for my life. After all the longest relationship I will ever be in is with myself.

When 2012 started I had a feeling that this was the year of change for me. Change physically, emotionally, spiritually and environmentally. I was never flowing with the changes in my life, but trying to make it stand still. So I lead my chapter with this quote;

"He who does not expect the unexpected will not find it, since it is trackless and unexplored." -Heraclitus