Push and Pull

About mid-May I met a man. Not typically my type but his genuine personality was charming. We went on a date.

I had interest but he being in the middle of a divorce was off-setting. I quick over came that and enjoyed my time with him. He was honestly perfect and that is frightening.

I was scared. I spent my time either paralyzingly afraid of a relationship or afraid of taking that risk, putting my heart in to it and losing it. The problem I didn’t notice was my heart was already in it. I use every excuse to figure a way out but at the same time I didn’t want to be out.

It was an internal conflict; wanting to be with him and being afraid of losing him. Wanting to allow myself to accept how I felt and trying to push them away because of my past. Maybe that time I spent doing that was too much of him, I am not sure.

Needless to say, he is gone now. I realized it was better to be in fear and be with him then to be in fear and be without him. Now I fear I broke my own heart for not allowing myself to open up.

I pushed him away when he was trying to pull me in. Now I am falling from all the pushing.

Beneficial Friends: What I have learned

Whether we like to admit it or not a good percentage of us have had a “friend with benefits”. A f*** buddy. There are good and bad things to this kind of friendship. Although it is satisfying at the moment, in the long run it can do more damage than good. So here are somethings I have learn from extra special friendships.

1. Even if they are a close friend it’s best not to mention people you are considering dating. Chances are they are developing feels and/or are already have them.

2. Be very clear that your this will not lead to any more. People who aren’t clear are also the ones who complain about clingers. My one friend was very clear about not seen a future with him and I respect him even more for his honesty.

3. If you both develop feelings, stop sleeping with each other. Yes, do it cold turkey. Otherwise you sex based friendship will turn in to a relationship based solely on sex.

4. If you develop feelings and know its not gonna go anywhere, move on. Don’t stick around hoping, that’s how you get hurt. Remember, the whole reason this happened was to have fun, not be serious.

5. Get checked every 6 months. This shouldn’t be just because of friends with benefits but just in general. Chances are who you are sleeping with (relationship or not) could be sleeping with someone else. Multiple partners means multiple chances of catching something. And use condoms, please. They were made for a reason.

Few Marbles Short.

Apparently the guy I referred to in the last post did not get it. Let’s do a quick recap of this guy.

He is a few years older than me and few marbles short of sane. I saw the signs very early but it didn’t seem like a big deal. Everyone has their flaws.

Months went on (and off) and it got worse but it slowly “cresendo’d” in to something I could no longer take. I have been with more irrational people than him but I now have a limit on how much rationality you must have.

He seemed like the type that need to put down a woman to make themselves feel like a man. And then would flip and be very needy. I told him to leave me alone and well he didn’t. I asked him nicely and in an emotionless professional manner to leave me alone. He didn’t.

That was the last time I promised to be nice. After so many times of a person saying no you are going to cross the obsessive line. So he contacted me again.

This time instead of the normal “I miss you” he decided to apologize for what he did. The thing is he also didn’t know what he was apologizing for. I am boggled at how you can feel sorry for something if you don’t know what it was for. So I told him about how demeaning, disrespectful, and vulgar he was.

I have always prided myself in being nice and biting my tongue but this pushed me over, I could no longer be nice. I kept it clean but honest. It has been a month and I am hoping for a life time more with out hearing from him.

Revelations and Exceptions

2013 was not a very eventful year in my love life. There were very view people I even dated because I spent most of my time living an actual life. But, there are a few things that called for thinkable moments.

I realize that I don’t think I am ready for someone in my life. I like the idea but when it comes to some showing a real opportunity for me to be something more I freeze then run. I did this last week, when someone asked me out on a date. Nice guy but I can tell he is relationship material. I finally figured out how to be alone. I want to get comfortable alone before someone joins my life party.

Also, I have started expecting more from myself. When I first starting write I was needless to say, soft. I wanted everything to be like a chick flick. A guy fighting for me and fighting all odds to be with me. But then I realize, that is fiction and I live in reality. Most guys wont tell you their true feelings with out some kind of code, much less fighting all odds. I no longer expect fantasy but I do expect respect as a person.

Respect given is respect received. So, if the person treats you like you are special then return the sentiment. Other wise, why are you in the relationship? The one guy I did date never knew what he wanted and talked to me with disrespect. Implying vaulter things when his mood changed. I still gave him respect till the last time he called me a name. I was fed up and made sure he understood I was ending it.

I don’t mind if you don’t give me a ring or pay for everything but respect is something I expect. Two years ago, I would have still let him treat me like that and wonder when he would figure out how valuable I was. Low self-esteem=low expectations.

Twisted Fantasy; Possibilities or Lack There Of

So, I spent so time thinking about things. About my future and my past. I thought about how much I have wanted to be with my ex and how he and I have discussed it on multiple occasions.

We have always talked about it after we broke up but never really tired getting back together. Seem to me that all we talk about is that. So, I started to wonder what we would have if we did get together. Would we really have anything?

Then I started to think, why we are still around each other and when we are we act as if things haven’t changed. Yet when we hang out we still doing get back together.

I think it is because we are both afraid. Afraid of losing what we had but at the same time after that if we get back together we find out it really isn’t the same. We are living in a twisted fantasy.

Because of this fantasy, I stop myself from seeing the possibility of being as happy as I was with him with someone else. I am doing the same for him, too. I am honestly confused as what to do or what I want.

Because I want him but can’t have him I am not sure if I should move on. I still love him and I don’t want to hurt him. But at the same time I might be hurting myself. This is why I have, really, avoided any serious dating for the past two years. I am not sure what I want so I don’t want to confirm something I am not sure of.

At this point, what do I do?

The Big Bad Wolf & the Glass Slippers

I spend some time with the one ex I have loved. The one part of the Valentine’s day fiasco. We spent sometime together and it felt like no time had past since I had seen him.

Toward the end of the night, things felt awkward. Something felt off. I felt like I was hiding something from him and he was doing the same. It’s not that I want to hide anything from him but I never want him to think less of me.

There was one point of the night were he said something that lowered myself esteem. Knowing him well, I know he didn’t mean to say it in a negative manner. He said it to be honest.

The thing is… he made me realized that I am being who I think I need to be strong but not actually being strong. There was a point in my life (I even wrote about it) where I was happy not dating.

All of a sudden I met a guy, let’s call him the Big Bad Wolf, who made me want a relationship and to date. Needless to say it did not end that way. I realized that it was talking to the Big Bad Wolf that I was shown something pretty not something I need. Kind of like a new pair of glass slippers.

I have some, I don’t need more, but those where so pretty I would go in to debt for them. But this is a debt to myself.

I never want to be in debt to myself. I want to be myself.

And Then I Realize…


Something I go through at least once a week about someone or something in my love life. (If you haven’t notice by now I do think about quiet a bit)

What I realized is, I need to stop listening to people. I am sure that most people have the best in mind when the give me advice. I also know they can’t help it when I talk about it to them. Honestly, I want people to listen and tell me if the situation sounds good or bad. More reassurance than advice.

The thing about me is, with all the “issues” I have, I doubt myself a lot. It isn’t just about my love life but life in general. This is partly why I have not successfully completed one program for my career. (But that is a different blog.) Listening to others and doing what they think is right is my choice. And I really should do things for my own. Friends have helped me in the past realize things but in this situation I think things have been made worse. Maybe he had good intentions in telling what to do, either way I should have done things like I always do. Now I fear I have made my current dating situation worse than it had become.

Choices and Standstills

I have had chances to date people. Not just anyone but people who want relationships. I have always thought that all I wanted was that. I wanted a relationship but every time I choose someone I know in the back of my mind they don’t.

Let’s take the last two guys I have written about. I was well aware of the way the “forbidden fruit” felt about relationships. I had known him and done that dance with him for that long. Still I chose to want to be with him, knowing. The one I had talk to after him I also knew how he felt and decided to continue.

Now I am in a position to have a chance at a relationship with someone who I did not see that happening with. It isn’t a bad thing.

I just find myself going in circles trying to find a reason not to. I have gone so long without one and being on my own that I am scared of being with someone other than me. It sound selfish in a way. Staying out of relationships for the benefit of doing what I want without worrying about a partner.

Maybe it is because I am young. I am not sure but I openly saying I am scared of the idea of a relationship. Either way, I have to conquer this fear over and over.

"Fear isn’t an excuse to come to a standstill. It’s the impetus to step up and strike." -Arthur Ashe

Move On To The Next One…Maybe.

Over the past couple of months I have noticed my own faults. It’s odd that I have noticed them because I have also tried to stop analyzing myself. The one thing I did notice was transference.

When I was about 19, I dated a guy and after things ended I decided to date another guy to get over him (oddly enough they had the same name). It worked to an extent. I did stop thinking about the first guy but now they way I felt about the first guy I felt about the second one. I transferred my feelings. I will say that the second guy did give me reasons to like him for him at the time. I knew that I was doing all this back then.

Recently, I noticed that I have done this with most of the guys I have developed feelings for. Even the last guy I couldn’t get out of my head. Originally he was there and he helped me push back my feelings for the one man I truly loved. Over time, I noticed that I developed feelings for him. In the past six years I think I truly really like three or four people. Because of these four people I transferred feelings to others.

I feel quite horrible about it. Without even thinking about it I used people. I guess I really need to learn to get myself some space before dating other people.

Forbidden Fruit.

Something has been bothering me. I recently I have been spending time will a person I am certainly fond of. Whether we are ready for a relationship or not he made very easy to tell him. It was quite a relief since every other time I had told someone it went wrong.

This time was wonderful, though. So I have continued  to spend time with him. The thing that is bothering me I can get the guy from the last post out of my head. I have missed him more that I usually do. I have even thought about going to get coffee with him because I know it will end in a hug.

I wondered why I have been missing him, maybe it is because this time he is staying away from me. It’s not his fault, but my own. I told him we were done and pretty much implied to leave me alone. I never knew he was going to listen to me, for once.

The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, but it can also be deadly.

 With that said, I have to stay away.

Perfectly Flawed

It has been 15 days in to the year and I can say for a fact I am happy for the changes I have made in my love life. In the past two weeks I have dealt with a the same person in my last post.

I can honestly say I see the good in him. I usually can see the good in people, even if it is miniscule. We had an argument. This started as nothing but lead to him telling me that he and I as couple, (as well as just myself) have flaws when it comes to a relationship.

Now I don’t completely agree. I will admit to commitment issues and my anxiety getting the best of me as well as holding me back. The reason it was even brought up was because I told him I could not …let’s say “play monopoly” without getting emotionally involved. Now, I could have played monopoly but I know where that is gonna put me. I am a sore loser when it comes to monopoly and I seem to always lose. I made this decision for myself. Not for him, not for me right now, but for me in the long run.

I never noticed that this one person without even trying has done damage to me. In a way everyone does. It is just what we do with it what really matters. This time I decided to move on and not let it get the best of me.

I cried my tears and now it is time to move on to better things. I am happy with who I am, flaws and all. Someone worth my time will learn to love those flaws because those make me who I am.

Most Important Year of My Life (so far)

Over my twenty-three years (I am rounding up) of my life I think there has been important moments in my life. Relationship wise I have also had important firsts.
This year though, was not a first. This year was about revealing what I need to know about others and myself.

I spent the year single. Of course, I have done this before but this is the first time that I was indifferent to the idea. Other times I spent the time thinking either “I love being single why date people” or “why I am I single?” I didn’t realize this till I had a conversation with an old acquaintance. He asked me about my love life, since that is usually what everyone usually associates me with now.

I took a moment and realized that I hadn’t even thought about it in a while. I had talked to a few gentlemen over the year but nothing ever really serious and I never met anything to turn in to more. Most importantly, I realized I was happy.

I had been happy without even thinking about relationships or love. In that moment I had confirmed to myself that I usually over think things. That is all. Over the years I had avoided over thinking my actions that in result I over think my thoughts. I knew that I though a lot about how I would say things but that was to make sure I said what I need to say. But it is just the realization that I tried too much to control my own life was mind-blowing.

There is not much point to this post beside that, don’t try to control your life. If you do you will be miserable and tired. Don’t over think things, even over thinking. Like the Beatles said “let it be”. And when it comes to life, just go with it.

“The only thing constant in life is change” -François de la Rochefoucauld

Baggage Claims (“No, that’s not mine.”)

The married man contacted me, again. (see, Baggage Minimal, Please. and Open BaggageHe told me that some things in our apparent dating should have been keep private and I should have not written about them.

Now to an extent I would have to agree. There are definitely some matters that should be kept only in a relationship. The difference with us is we did not have a relationship. There are those few instances where it is okay to talk about what you went through and what you learned. This is the point of my writing. I write to make make note on what I went through and understand what I am questioning about dating.

If no one ever knew spoke up and said what happened in their relationships a lot of things would still exist that are now wrong. For example, spousal abuse. (*This is not a light subject and by no means am I trying to make light of it*) If no one in or out side of the relationship thought it was wrong we would have not sense of guilt when even thinking about it. Someone said something and someone said they didn’t like it.

The point is that, the abuse could have been considered something private and personal between the couple. There are differences. And those are speaking about what you feel and have learned to educate others (or in some cases as therapy) and saying something in midst of the storm getting more people involved. The decisions you make in a relationship are yours and your spouses, no one else.

Open Baggage

Shortly after posting Baggage Mininal, Please I recived quite a few text messages. I recieved the first one from the man I had dated and wrote about. He asked me why I wrote about him.

Frankly, I didn’t think he remembered me telling him that I write this blog. If he did remember he would have also remembered that I write about pretty much everything that happens in my dating life. Telling guys about it is their warning to what will come next. I never write about people out of spite. (I tend to draft those untill I can have a clear consensous about what I am trying to see if learned anything from the situation.)

The next message came from his wife. (Yes, his wife.) She cleared a few things up for me. Letting me know they were married and could prove it with a marriage license. After making some what of a truce, she asked me to tell her everything that happened. I did.

I see it as I deserved to know everything and she told me that. I owed her the same, because we both have been cheated. She was cheated on and lied to, but I was cheated out of the truth. 

Turns out that my instincts where right. He was married, and I was made a secret. Never in my life do I want to be a secret to anyone or play second fiddle to anyone. Nor, should anyone who doesn’t choose to. What I have done from the beginning of dating him was ended because that is what my instincts told me to do.

Baggage Minimal, Please.

Over the past month and a half I thought I had been dating some one quite wonderful. He seemed caring, smart, funny and stable; it was a relief to meet someone so lovely.

Til we got comfortable, this is where he started making comments about how many of my friends were male. He has an issue with me being friends with the person we met through. And in a bad series of events, his ex-girlfriend some how got my phone number and started harassing me.

It’s fine and dandy for me because harassing ex’s tend over-exaggerate the truth. She told me they were married. He told me they were never married and he wasn’t with her. When it came to the trust issues, I let him know that if he had an issue trusting me we were never going to work. I am a honest person and will tell what happen if someone asks. Things were fine after.

UNTIL, my old friend sent me a message saying he wanted to have coffee. I have not seen this friend in 7 years. The trouble about this was that the guy I was dating went through my phone. I was quite upset by the fact that he did that, but he made it seem more like I did something wrong. I was confused about it because I never went out with my friend, therefore there is not reason to be upset with me.

Not until his ex moved back to the state did I realize what was going on. Once she moved back (with his children) did quit talking to me. Honestly, I am quite fine with it because I am not in the place in my life for a relationship.

The thing I learned about all this is, if there are problems before they say your are their boyfriend/girlfriend it is not worth the effort. The beginning should never be a struggle. And their baggage should be minimal.