Push and Pull

About mid-May I met a man. Not typically my type but his genuine personality was charming. We went on a date.

I had interest but he being in the middle of a divorce was off-setting. I quick over came that and enjoyed my time with him. He was honestly perfect and that is frightening.

I was scared. I spent my time either paralyzingly afraid of a relationship or afraid of taking that risk, putting my heart in to it and losing it. The problem I didn’t notice was my heart was already in it. I use every excuse to figure a way out but at the same time I didn’t want to be out.

It was an internal conflict; wanting to be with him and being afraid of losing him. Wanting to allow myself to accept how I felt and trying to push them away because of my past. Maybe that time I spent doing that was too much of him, I am not sure.

Needless to say, he is gone now. I realized it was better to be in fear and be with him then to be in fear and be without him. Now I fear I broke my own heart for not allowing myself to open up.

I pushed him away when he was trying to pull me in. Now I am falling from all the pushing.

Choices and Standstills

I have had chances to date people. Not just anyone but people who want relationships. I have always thought that all I wanted was that. I wanted a relationship but every time I choose someone I know in the back of my mind they don’t.

Let’s take the last two guys I have written about. I was well aware of the way the “forbidden fruit” felt about relationships. I had known him and done that dance with him for that long. Still I chose to want to be with him, knowing. The one I had talk to after him I also knew how he felt and decided to continue.

Now I am in a position to have a chance at a relationship with someone who I did not see that happening with. It isn’t a bad thing.

I just find myself going in circles trying to find a reason not to. I have gone so long without one and being on my own that I am scared of being with someone other than me. It sound selfish in a way. Staying out of relationships for the benefit of doing what I want without worrying about a partner.

Maybe it is because I am young. I am not sure but I openly saying I am scared of the idea of a relationship. Either way, I have to conquer this fear over and over.

"Fear isn’t an excuse to come to a standstill. It’s the impetus to step up and strike." -Arthur Ashe

Dazed and Confused….and Unavailable?

I am single.

For certain I am happy and am enjoying having a kind of freedom that I haven’t had before. I do what I want with out thinking “if I do this would some want to date me?”

The only problem with me happy, single and not slutting around is I have become somewhat unavailable. When I kiss, well I make it short and if I can I avoid it. Kiss my hand, kiss my neck but the lips make me awkward for sure.

I think a have developed a fear of losing what I have now or becoming attached just to detach again. I am pretty certain it is the first one though. I enjoy being able to dance to the beat of my own drummer and not having to deal with my fear of say I love you over again.

Maybe its just not that though, I also have become so uninterested in dealing with dating in general. Its not that I hate it because in reality I don’t think we get tired of love. Maybe its that I finally realizing I am in my twenties and I should be considering settling my life down when I haven’t lived my life yet.

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives."
-William Wallace

Kettle of Emotions.

Tonight, I received a call from my ex (jay, see bittersweet endings).

Right off the bat I knew it was not going to be the easiest conversation to have. He admitted to being drunk. He poured out his heart to me, admitting to thinking I was his “soul mate”. Admitting to loving me and that he had never stopped.

18 months ago this would have been a dream come true. Its just hard to return to something you know failed. I never gave up but our relationship was never together to be broke. Never together to succeed, hence instant failure.

I admit that I have seen myself with him for the entirety of my life. My problem is partly that I am scared for the commitment and fear of result. Fear that if it could have been so easy for him to leave someone for me what says it won’t be easy for him to leave me? He pressured me to answer him if I wanted to be with him.

Is it right to pressure someone in to being with you?

Is it love if you are pressured in to something?

Is it right to return to someone you feel doesn’t respect you?

I don’t think so.

Stalking or Living?

In life we are taught that there is the one you will spend the rest of your life with. The One you are supposed to marry, the one you are supposed to have children with. Dating’s intentions are just a mission to find the one.

I started wondering why we are all so determined to find the end to our life? Are we not supposed to enjoy life as it comes? See when dating you must have something to interest a partner other than pure sexual attraction (Lesson of the week: sexual attraction will only take to so far than your personality does the rest). If you are so busy looking for “the one” when they come alone you just might not have anything to offer beside they quest of finding them. Which in a way seems like emotional stalking. Dating is never a waste but its like medication; you must only take it in small dosage because you can become addicted and ruin your life.

Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.- Grace Hansen

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater.

  Cheating can break your relationship most of the time. Cheating effects both parties emotionally. I know this because I have been cheated on and cheated on someone.

 A few years back, I was in a committed relationship. In the beginning of our two year relationship I cheat on my boyfriend with my ex/his “friend”. The feeling  is horrible. I think that it takes some one who really doesn’t care not to feel horrible about it. I spent nights crying about it and asking a friend if I should tell him. I did and we broke up for a while. Most recently, I got cheated on. He told me just like I had told my ex. He cried and told me he understood if I left him. I didn’t.

See the thing about cheating is not everyone applies to the whole “once a cheater always a cheater”. I think when someone seeks to cheat on you and has no shame then be mad. If they do it and feel remorseful then give them one more chance. Sure after that there will be some trust issues but if you see that person genuinely sorry about what they did, try. 

 I rarely have told people about me cheating because they will see me as a cheater. What they don’t know is that I was abused for it. So much so that I am deathly afraid of cheating again. But honestly, would you tell someone you cheated in the past if you though that they would stay in your future, or does your past say in the past?