Twisted Fantasy; Possibilities or Lack There Of

So, I spent so time thinking about things. About my future and my past. I thought about how much I have wanted to be with my ex and how he and I have discussed it on multiple occasions.

We have always talked about it after we broke up but never really tired getting back together. Seem to me that all we talk about is that. So, I started to wonder what we would have if we did get together. Would we really have anything?

Then I started to think, why we are still around each other and when we are we act as if things haven’t changed. Yet when we hang out we still doing get back together.

I think it is because we are both afraid. Afraid of losing what we had but at the same time after that if we get back together we find out it really isn’t the same. We are living in a twisted fantasy.

Because of this fantasy, I stop myself from seeing the possibility of being as happy as I was with him with someone else. I am doing the same for him, too. I am honestly confused as what to do or what I want.

Because I want him but can’t have him I am not sure if I should move on. I still love him and I don’t want to hurt him. But at the same time I might be hurting myself. This is why I have, really, avoided any serious dating for the past two years. I am not sure what I want so I don’t want to confirm something I am not sure of.

At this point, what do I do?

Choices and Standstills

I have had chances to date people. Not just anyone but people who want relationships. I have always thought that all I wanted was that. I wanted a relationship but every time I choose someone I know in the back of my mind they don’t.

Let’s take the last two guys I have written about. I was well aware of the way the “forbidden fruit” felt about relationships. I had known him and done that dance with him for that long. Still I chose to want to be with him, knowing. The one I had talk to after him I also knew how he felt and decided to continue.

Now I am in a position to have a chance at a relationship with someone who I did not see that happening with. It isn’t a bad thing.

I just find myself going in circles trying to find a reason not to. I have gone so long without one and being on my own that I am scared of being with someone other than me. It sound selfish in a way. Staying out of relationships for the benefit of doing what I want without worrying about a partner.

Maybe it is because I am young. I am not sure but I openly saying I am scared of the idea of a relationship. Either way, I have to conquer this fear over and over.

"Fear isn’t an excuse to come to a standstill. It’s the impetus to step up and strike." -Arthur Ashe

Need Sometime To Waste Time.

Earlier this week someone was telling me about how they were asked if the person they were dating was the one. They told me that they knew that person wasn’t, which sparked a idea. It is something I have thought about a lot.

I told this person dating is like school you must learn so many lessons before you graduate. Every person that has made an impact in my life has been a lesson in the end. Without knowing it we take those lessons and apply them to future relationships. Some people see dating people who you know are not the one is wasted time, I see it as time well spent.

 How well do you think you most relationship would have been handled if you had not learn things from others?  With all honesty, I think my most recent relationships would have been a complete train wreak; as would I, in general, as a person. Thank your ex’s even if you don’t speak to them because if it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t have learned how to handle certain situations. 

The years teach much which the days never knew.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson