Push and Pull
About mid-May I met a man. Not typically my type but his genuine personality was charming. We went on a date.
I had interest but he being in the middle of a divorce was off-setting. I quick over came that and enjoyed my time with him. He was honestly perfect and that is frightening.
I was scared. I spent my time either paralyzingly afraid of a relationship or afraid of taking that risk, putting my heart in to it and losing it. The problem I didn’t notice was my heart was already in it. I use every excuse to figure a way out but at the same time I didn’t want to be out.
It was an internal conflict; wanting to be with him and being afraid of losing him. Wanting to allow myself to accept how I felt and trying to push them away because of my past. Maybe that time I spent doing that was too much of him, I am not sure.
Needless to say, he is gone now. I realized it was better to be in fear and be with him then to be in fear and be without him. Now I fear I broke my own heart for not allowing myself to open up.
I pushed him away when he was trying to pull me in. Now I am falling from all the pushing.
Few Marbles Short.
Apparently the guy I referred to in the last post did not get it. Let’s do a quick recap of this guy.
He is a few years older than me and few marbles short of sane. I saw the signs very early but it didn’t seem like a big deal. Everyone has their flaws.
Months went on (and off) and it got worse but it slowly “cresendo’d” in to something I could no longer take. I have been with more irrational people than him but I now have a limit on how much rationality you must have.
He seemed like the type that need to put down a woman to make themselves feel like a man. And then would flip and be very needy. I told him to leave me alone and well he didn’t. I asked him nicely and in an emotionless professional manner to leave me alone. He didn’t.
That was the last time I promised to be nice. After so many times of a person saying no you are going to cross the obsessive line. So he contacted me again.
This time instead of the normal “I miss you” he decided to apologize for what he did. The thing is he also didn’t know what he was apologizing for. I am boggled at how you can feel sorry for something if you don’t know what it was for. So I told him about how demeaning, disrespectful, and vulgar he was.
I have always prided myself in being nice and biting my tongue but this pushed me over, I could no longer be nice. I kept it clean but honest. It has been a month and I am hoping for a life time more with out hearing from him.
Revelations and Exceptions
2013 was not a very eventful year in my love life. There were very view people I even dated because I spent most of my time living an actual life. But, there are a few things that called for thinkable moments.
I realize that I don’t think I am ready for someone in my life. I like the idea but when it comes to some showing a real opportunity for me to be something more I freeze then run. I did this last week, when someone asked me out on a date. Nice guy but I can tell he is relationship material. I finally figured out how to be alone. I want to get comfortable alone before someone joins my life party.
Also, I have started expecting more from myself. When I first starting write I was needless to say, soft. I wanted everything to be like a chick flick. A guy fighting for me and fighting all odds to be with me. But then I realize, that is fiction and I live in reality. Most guys wont tell you their true feelings with out some kind of code, much less fighting all odds. I no longer expect fantasy but I do expect respect as a person.
Respect given is respect received. So, if the person treats you like you are special then return the sentiment. Other wise, why are you in the relationship? The one guy I did date never knew what he wanted and talked to me with disrespect. Implying vaulter things when his mood changed. I still gave him respect till the last time he called me a name. I was fed up and made sure he understood I was ending it.
I don’t mind if you don’t give me a ring or pay for everything but respect is something I expect. Two years ago, I would have still let him treat me like that and wonder when he would figure out how valuable I was. Low self-esteem=low expectations.
Find Light in the Beautiful Sea..
Sometimes I like to pick and choose what I say, but today will not be that.
In a course of events, majority having to do with the weather, I decided to stay the night with someone I had been talking to for about six months. We are in no way in a relationship.
It has been rocky ever since we started talking. So this talking has been off and on. I questioned my feeling for him a lot. I knew I liked him, or thought I did, up until he asked me to say “I love you”.
I have two problems with that. One: I have a big issue of telling anyone that I love them, even family and two: I have a rule not to say that to people I am not even in a relationship with.
He asked to just play along since we were role playing. So I did. This was probably a mistake. A mistake which lead me to question if I actually did feel that way. I was convinced that I was close enough to mean it. Later, he asked me if I actually meant it, and I told him I did. Yet, another mistake.
Anywho, with the basic back story out of the way, heres what happened. After all the “I love you’s” and spending time with him made me realize the kind of person he is. Alone he is genuinely a good person. Together we have no qualities that would benefit each other. There was no lust for me so it wasn’t what attracted me. I think it was the matter of finally having someone who had an interest in me.
So I lied awake, while he slept, and thought about things. I thought about us. There was nothing there. The feeling of nothing was not just about him but about relationships in general. I like entertaining the idea but that is all it is, an idea. That is when the light bulb turned on.
The light in the beautiful sea for me is to choose to be happy. Being happy means being on my own.
The Reason Why You Shouldn’t be an Invisible Doormat
It’s been a while since I have written anything. I have been a bit frazzled on what to write about. Lots of topic I have thought about but none stuck, until last night.
I was on the phone with a friend I used to have feelings for. I have written about him before. He was telling me about is recently relationship and how he feels about the most recent girl. That is wonderful I am genuinely happy for people when they find love. After all I love love.
The problem is how he was talking about her. Telling me he finally found a “good girl”.
I don’t see myself as a bad girl. I actually wish I had more of a backbone because I can’t even handle confrontation. I am never mean in a relationship and I keep complaining nagging to a minimum. I am not the type of girl who makes you choose over me over your friends. Or they type that asks for a lot.
All I want out a relationship is mutual affection, compassion and understanding. All that it really needs is love (or a very strong like). So if this constitutes a “good girl” why was I never seen or described that way?
It seems to me that maybe I have made myself so much a “people pleaser” that I am turning in to an invisible doormat.
I say doormat because more than half of the time you don’t even know you are walking all over one but you are. And when you notice it’s there it is a just a nice coincidence. I honestly don’t even know what to do to change this since I also don’t want to be a mean person. How do you stop being invisible or a doormat, or even a invisible doormat?
Twisted Fantasy; Possibilities or Lack There Of
So, I spent so time thinking about things. About my future and my past. I thought about how much I have wanted to be with my ex and how he and I have discussed it on multiple occasions.
We have always talked about it after we broke up but never really tired getting back together. Seem to me that all we talk about is that. So, I started to wonder what we would have if we did get together. Would we really have anything?
Then I started to think, why we are still around each other and when we are we act as if things haven’t changed. Yet when we hang out we still doing get back together.
I think it is because we are both afraid. Afraid of losing what we had but at the same time after that if we get back together we find out it really isn’t the same. We are living in a twisted fantasy.
Because of this fantasy, I stop myself from seeing the possibility of being as happy as I was with him with someone else. I am doing the same for him, too. I am honestly confused as what to do or what I want.
Because I want him but can’t have him I am not sure if I should move on. I still love him and I don’t want to hurt him. But at the same time I might be hurting myself. This is why I have, really, avoided any serious dating for the past two years. I am not sure what I want so I don’t want to confirm something I am not sure of.
At this point, what do I do?
There has been a trend in my choices of men. I seem to choose the ones that I know deep down they are not available. The idea of a relationship is lovely but I don’t think I want to be in one with anyone but one person.
This would be my ex. The one I have been pining over for the past two years. There is never hesitation in the thought of being with him. Being in a relationship with him. With others there is that “what if”.
“What if he doesn’t like the same music as I do?”
What if he can’t hand the fact that I am a vegetarian?
What if he doesn’t want kids?
what if everything works out but my family doesn’t like him?”
I seem to be so scared of that WHAT IF. I know all the answers to those questions with him and they are the ones I want to hear from people.
Just because I am hunger to kill this loneliness does not mean the meal will emotionally please me. Anything won’t do. I will just hunger again.
I wonder if it is just attachment, though?
Emotional Steel Creatures
Originally I was going to write this blog about how I am still love and care for my ex. That is true but thinking about it I realize something, the excuse I make for him about us not being together is the same excuse pretty much every guy has given me.
"I like you a lot but I am emotionally damage" or "I have too many issues with myself and past relationships"
As mean as this sounds, this is making me laugh at this point. Everyone has emotional damage. We are not made of steel. Humans are fragile creates with complex emotions. Of course you are damaged, we all are.
The difference is how we handle it. I have learned to live through it. I have more damage than people would like to believe. The reason mine doesn’t show as much is because I use it as fuel. I take it, change it and make it positive. There is no reason what so ever to use past transgressions stop you in your tracks. If you let that happen in your love life, how long will it take till it stops your everyday life?
Especially if you are using what someone else did to you and punishing the next person. That is not fair to your new person since they have not done anything wrong.
The point of this is, we all have damage/ baggage/ issues. Turn that negative in to a positive to make your future better not worse.
The Big Bad Wolf & the Glass Slippers
I spend some time with the one ex I have loved. The one part of the Valentine’s day fiasco. We spent sometime together and it felt like no time had past since I had seen him.
Toward the end of the night, things felt awkward. Something felt off. I felt like I was hiding something from him and he was doing the same. It’s not that I want to hide anything from him but I never want him to think less of me.
There was one point of the night were he said something that lowered myself esteem. Knowing him well, I know he didn’t mean to say it in a negative manner. He said it to be honest.
The thing is… he made me realized that I am being who I think I need to be strong but not actually being strong. There was a point in my life (I even wrote about it) where I was happy not dating.
All of a sudden I met a guy, let’s call him the Big Bad Wolf, who made me want a relationship and to date. Needless to say it did not end that way. I realized that it was talking to the Big Bad Wolf that I was shown something pretty not something I need. Kind of like a new pair of glass slippers.
I have some, I don’t need more, but those where so pretty I would go in to debt for them. But this is a debt to myself.
I never want to be in debt to myself. I want to be myself.
And Then I Realize…
Something I go through at least once a week about someone or something in my love life. (If you haven’t notice by now I do think about quiet a bit)
What I realized is, I need to stop listening to people. I am sure that most people have the best in mind when the give me advice. I also know they can’t help it when I talk about it to them. Honestly, I want people to listen and tell me if the situation sounds good or bad. More reassurance than advice.
The thing about me is, with all the “issues” I have, I doubt myself a lot. It isn’t just about my love life but life in general. This is partly why I have not successfully completed one program for my career. (But that is a different blog.) Listening to others and doing what they think is right is my choice. And I really should do things for my own. Friends have helped me in the past realize things but in this situation I think things have been made worse. Maybe he had good intentions in telling what to do, either way I should have done things like I always do. Now I fear I have made my current dating situation worse than it had become.
Choices and Standstills
I have had chances to date people. Not just anyone but people who want relationships. I have always thought that all I wanted was that. I wanted a relationship but every time I choose someone I know in the back of my mind they don’t.
Let’s take the last two guys I have written about. I was well aware of the way the “forbidden fruit” felt about relationships. I had known him and done that dance with him for that long. Still I chose to want to be with him, knowing. The one I had talk to after him I also knew how he felt and decided to continue.
Now I am in a position to have a chance at a relationship with someone who I did not see that happening with. It isn’t a bad thing.
I just find myself going in circles trying to find a reason not to. I have gone so long without one and being on my own that I am scared of being with someone other than me. It sound selfish in a way. Staying out of relationships for the benefit of doing what I want without worrying about a partner.
Maybe it is because I am young. I am not sure but I openly saying I am scared of the idea of a relationship. Either way, I have to conquer this fear over and over.
"Fear isn’t an excuse to come to a standstill. It’s the impetus to step up and strike." -Arthur Ashe
The Rise and Fall of Valentines Day.
Valentines came and went. I debated about writing about it that day since I was treating the day like any other day. I had decided not to until something odd happened.
My friends texted me. (Seems a bit mellow dramatic to be honest) They had told me that they met my ex. The one I was and in a way still in love with. That shook my world. They had told me that he had purposely gone up to them and asked if they knew me. Then he proceeded to speak fondly of me. They told me that he mentioned caring a lot about me and that it seemed like he was still in love with me.
In my heart, I always hoped he was my boomerang love. I set him free and I hoped he would come back. I had hoped that that in the few days after valentines day that he would call or message me. (Give that I told my friend to imply him doing that) But, due to my lack of patience I messaged him myself. He did not reply. I tried to my best to think of the best with situations and I didn’t do that well. I unwillingly broke my own heart.
I could never blame him for this happening, nor do I want him to feel horrible about it. It was my own doing. I am just glad that he thinks fondly of me because he honestly changed my life for the better.
I just still hope he will be a boomerang love.
Move On To The Next One…Maybe.
Over the past couple of months I have noticed my own faults. It’s odd that I have noticed them because I have also tried to stop analyzing myself. The one thing I did notice was transference.
When I was about 19, I dated a guy and after things ended I decided to date another guy to get over him (oddly enough they had the same name). It worked to an extent. I did stop thinking about the first guy but now they way I felt about the first guy I felt about the second one. I transferred my feelings. I will say that the second guy did give me reasons to like him for him at the time. I knew that I was doing all this back then.
Recently, I noticed that I have done this with most of the guys I have developed feelings for. Even the last guy I couldn’t get out of my head. Originally he was there and he helped me push back my feelings for the one man I truly loved. Over time, I noticed that I developed feelings for him. In the past six years I think I truly really like three or four people. Because of these four people I transferred feelings to others.
I feel quite horrible about it. Without even thinking about it I used people. I guess I really need to learn to get myself some space before dating other people.
Something has been bothering me. I recently I have been spending time will a person I am certainly fond of. Whether we are ready for a relationship or not he made very easy to tell him. It was quite a relief since every other time I had told someone it went wrong.
This time was wonderful, though. So I have continued to spend time with him. The thing that is bothering me I can get the guy from the last post out of my head. I have missed him more that I usually do. I have even thought about going to get coffee with him because I know it will end in a hug.
I wondered why I have been missing him, maybe it is because this time he is staying away from me. It’s not his fault, but my own. I told him we were done and pretty much implied to leave me alone. I never knew he was going to listen to me, for once.
The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, but it can also be deadly.
With that said, I have to stay away.
Auld Lang Syne
So this year is coming to a close. In a few hours the memories of they year will be a distant thought.
Well, we like them to be sometimes. My birthday could border on that. I enjoyed it and it was probably the best party my family has ever given me. The down side is a man from my past joined us. Originally he was just gonna take me for coffee and coffee turned in to “come in and hang out with me and my family for a while”. That turned in to a late night confession about the another guy in my life while I was drunk.
Normally, this would be okay except for the fact that we stopped seeing each other less than a month a go. It may have not been the best idea at the time since he asked me “who?” in a slightly jealous manner.
I think I was more upset that he reacted like that than at myself for letting it slip. The reason is over the two years that I have known him (we met on my birthday in 2010) I have always wanted something more from him. He admitted to feelings for me a handful of times but he can never commit.
My problem is I allow past lovers a second chance. This time, though, I told him that if I were to get involved with him in any fashion I would be setting myself up to be hurt again. This was probably the smartest thing I have ever done in my history of my love life. As much I could see he and I being a good thing I need to let him go.
This is why I am starting a “let go” list. This will be my list of lovers that, even if they did nothing wrong, do not deserve another chance. I just have to let go of those feelings.
"Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind..”