The Reason Why You Shouldn’t be an Invisible Doormat
It’s been a while since I have written anything. I have been a bit frazzled on what to write about. Lots of topic I have thought about but none stuck, until last night.
I was on the phone with a friend I used to have feelings for. I have written about him before. He was telling me about is recently relationship and how he feels about the most recent girl. That is wonderful I am genuinely happy for people when they find love. After all I love love.
The problem is how he was talking about her. Telling me he finally found a “good girl”.
I don’t see myself as a bad girl. I actually wish I had more of a backbone because I can’t even handle confrontation. I am never mean in a relationship and I keep complaining nagging to a minimum. I am not the type of girl who makes you choose over me over your friends. Or they type that asks for a lot.
All I want out a relationship is mutual affection, compassion and understanding. All that it really needs is love (or a very strong like). So if this constitutes a “good girl” why was I never seen or described that way?
It seems to me that maybe I have made myself so much a “people pleaser” that I am turning in to an invisible doormat.
I say doormat because more than half of the time you don’t even know you are walking all over one but you are. And when you notice it’s there it is a just a nice coincidence. I honestly don’t even know what to do to change this since I also don’t want to be a mean person. How do you stop being invisible or a doormat, or even a invisible doormat?
Twisted Fantasy; Possibilities or Lack There Of
So, I spent so time thinking about things. About my future and my past. I thought about how much I have wanted to be with my ex and how he and I have discussed it on multiple occasions.
We have always talked about it after we broke up but never really tired getting back together. Seem to me that all we talk about is that. So, I started to wonder what we would have if we did get together. Would we really have anything?
Then I started to think, why we are still around each other and when we are we act as if things haven’t changed. Yet when we hang out we still doing get back together.
I think it is because we are both afraid. Afraid of losing what we had but at the same time after that if we get back together we find out it really isn’t the same. We are living in a twisted fantasy.
Because of this fantasy, I stop myself from seeing the possibility of being as happy as I was with him with someone else. I am doing the same for him, too. I am honestly confused as what to do or what I want.
Because I want him but can’t have him I am not sure if I should move on. I still love him and I don’t want to hurt him. But at the same time I might be hurting myself. This is why I have, really, avoided any serious dating for the past two years. I am not sure what I want so I don’t want to confirm something I am not sure of.
At this point, what do I do?
There has been a trend in my choices of men. I seem to choose the ones that I know deep down they are not available. The idea of a relationship is lovely but I don’t think I want to be in one with anyone but one person.
This would be my ex. The one I have been pining over for the past two years. There is never hesitation in the thought of being with him. Being in a relationship with him. With others there is that “what if”.
“What if he doesn’t like the same music as I do?”
What if he can’t hand the fact that I am a vegetarian?
What if he doesn’t want kids?
what if everything works out but my family doesn’t like him?”
I seem to be so scared of that WHAT IF. I know all the answers to those questions with him and they are the ones I want to hear from people.
Just because I am hunger to kill this loneliness does not mean the meal will emotionally please me. Anything won’t do. I will just hunger again.
I wonder if it is just attachment, though?
Choices and Standstills
I have had chances to date people. Not just anyone but people who want relationships. I have always thought that all I wanted was that. I wanted a relationship but every time I choose someone I know in the back of my mind they don’t.
Let’s take the last two guys I have written about. I was well aware of the way the “forbidden fruit” felt about relationships. I had known him and done that dance with him for that long. Still I chose to want to be with him, knowing. The one I had talk to after him I also knew how he felt and decided to continue.
Now I am in a position to have a chance at a relationship with someone who I did not see that happening with. It isn’t a bad thing.
I just find myself going in circles trying to find a reason not to. I have gone so long without one and being on my own that I am scared of being with someone other than me. It sound selfish in a way. Staying out of relationships for the benefit of doing what I want without worrying about a partner.
Maybe it is because I am young. I am not sure but I openly saying I am scared of the idea of a relationship. Either way, I have to conquer this fear over and over.
"Fear isn’t an excuse to come to a standstill. It’s the impetus to step up and strike." -Arthur Ashe
Something has been bothering me. I recently I have been spending time will a person I am certainly fond of. Whether we are ready for a relationship or not he made very easy to tell him. It was quite a relief since every other time I had told someone it went wrong.
This time was wonderful, though. So I have continued to spend time with him. The thing that is bothering me I can get the guy from the last post out of my head. I have missed him more that I usually do. I have even thought about going to get coffee with him because I know it will end in a hug.
I wondered why I have been missing him, maybe it is because this time he is staying away from me. It’s not his fault, but my own. I told him we were done and pretty much implied to leave me alone. I never knew he was going to listen to me, for once.
The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, but it can also be deadly.
With that said, I have to stay away.
Most Important Year of My Life (so far)
Over my twenty-three years (I am rounding up) of my life I think there has been important moments in my life. Relationship wise I have also had important firsts.
This year though, was not a first. This year was about revealing what I need to know about others and myself.
I spent the year single. Of course, I have done this before but this is the first time that I was indifferent to the idea. Other times I spent the time thinking either “I love being single why date people” or “why I am I single?” I didn’t realize this till I had a conversation with an old acquaintance. He asked me about my love life, since that is usually what everyone usually associates me with now.
I took a moment and realized that I hadn’t even thought about it in a while. I had talked to a few gentlemen over the year but nothing ever really serious and I never met anything to turn in to more. Most importantly, I realized I was happy.
I had been happy without even thinking about relationships or love. In that moment I had confirmed to myself that I usually over think things. That is all. Over the years I had avoided over thinking my actions that in result I over think my thoughts. I knew that I though a lot about how I would say things but that was to make sure I said what I need to say. But it is just the realization that I tried too much to control my own life was mind-blowing.
There is not much point to this post beside that, don’t try to control your life. If you do you will be miserable and tired. Don’t over think things, even over thinking. Like the Beatles said “let it be”. And when it comes to life, just go with it.
“The only thing constant in life is change” -François de la Rochefoucauld
My Friends Perspective.
I think by now we can all say my life is a bit crazy. My friend decided to simply put it in a short story. Short and sweet.
"There was a girl who learned lessons from her past relationships. Then she defeated a pack of wolves with her bare fist. The end."
Honestly, I see that as pretty accurate. I wonder how anyone else who reads views my love life. Please let me know.
Baggage Minimal, Please.
Over the past month and a half I thought I had been dating some one quite wonderful. He seemed caring, smart, funny and stable; it was a relief to meet someone so lovely.
Til we got comfortable, this is where he started making comments about how many of my friends were male. He has an issue with me being friends with the person we met through. And in a bad series of events, his ex-girlfriend some how got my phone number and started harassing me.
It’s fine and dandy for me because harassing ex’s tend over-exaggerate the truth. She told me they were married. He told me they were never married and he wasn’t with her. When it came to the trust issues, I let him know that if he had an issue trusting me we were never going to work. I am a honest person and will tell what happen if someone asks. Things were fine after.
UNTIL, my old friend sent me a message saying he wanted to have coffee. I have not seen this friend in 7 years. The trouble about this was that the guy I was dating went through my phone. I was quite upset by the fact that he did that, but he made it seem more like I did something wrong. I was confused about it because I never went out with my friend, therefore there is not reason to be upset with me.
Not until his ex moved back to the state did I realize what was going on. Once she moved back (with his children) did quit talking to me. Honestly, I am quite fine with it because I am not in the place in my life for a relationship.
The thing I learned about all this is, if there are problems before they say your are their boyfriend/girlfriend it is not worth the effort. The beginning should never be a struggle. And their baggage should be minimal.
Secrets and Wake Up Calls.
"So in the past few months I have been accused of being a mistress. To be honest, it’s quite silly to think I would do such thing. I don’t think I am emotionally strong enough to be the other woman, even though some women choose to.
I came across an article and blog that sparked some thoughts. In the article, the woman explained about how she feels comfortable doing it and has no desire for a long term, attached relationship. The blog talked about the benefits men receive in having a mistress.
One thing, though, was consistent. Both mistresses make the point that the partner gets so comfortable that they lose the attraction and intimacy of the relationship. Maybe they run a care for children, have a career they are devoted to, or [simply plan what they ask for their husbands is more they can provide yet they continue asking] (this part is really confusing and i consider rewording this might work: or simply as too much from their husbands than their husbands can provide.)
Although I believe in repairing breaking relationships, a little part of me thinks maybe that these women are wake up calls. Perhaps they are life saying “Hello, you two are drifting apart!”
It’s as Easy as One, Two, Three…
It’s odd the place I am in. I am happy. That is it. I am happy.
I feel liberated. Maybe it is because after a year of licking my wounds they have healed. Over the past couple of months I notice some things. One, I was indeed in love spring of 2011. I am glad this happened, it gave me hope that there are people out there that want me for me. It’s nice to know that someone like me is considered a gem.
Two, I found a new respect for myself. I will never say that I didn’t respect myself but the amount of respect was low. I dated people who made me feel less than garbage. Only after revisiting my all time low did I notice I deserved more. I have removed the wool from of my eye to see a beautiful world of possibilities.
Three, in a way I freed my self to focus on something more than intimate relationships. Certainly I was always goal orientated, but it has come to my surprise that most of my goals were focused on relationships. For this reason I have made it a goal to make better goals for my life. After all the longest relationship I will ever be in is with myself.
When 2012 started I had a feeling that this was the year of change for me. Change physically, emotionally, spiritually and environmentally. I was never flowing with the changes in my life, but trying to make it stand still. So I lead my chapter with this quote;
"He who does not expect the unexpected will not find it, since it is trackless and unexplored." -Heraclitus
This week an old friend as me an excellent question about relationships;
”..what if you met an awesome guy and he just poured out his trust on you totally, do you automatically trust him?”
No. I see relationships as simple reward system when it comes to trust. In the beginning you want to give them some trust, but not all. If you don’t have any trust in the beginning you are pretty much doomed, but if you trust completely you are pretty much putting your heart near a paper shredder and hoping it doesn’t fall in.
See, if you don’t give someone trust it makes it harder for your partner to doing things with out you flipping your lid. I understand if they do something that you find less then pleasing and you get upset. I have been there, but I have also been in the position where I just do nothing and get in trouble. If you can’t try to trust someone in a relationship it is because in reality you don’t trust yourself in a relationship (that is unless you have a reason to trust that particular person).
Every relationship I have entered since I was abused was a risk of not knowing if it would happen again. I trusted every person afterward enough to proceed with the relationship. Most importantly, I trusted myself to be observant enough leave a relationship if I though it was going to happen again.
"Where is my mind?…"
As I sit here listening to Where Is My Mind by the Pixies it makes me think of this one guy. Its odd.
Honestly as much as a jerk he was to me he seems to come to mind. Maybe in a twisted way he is the one that got away. Maybe I think of him so much because we have so much history and was truly my first adult relationship. (Even thought half of the time I felt like I was dating a child)
Jay was in many ways like myself. He liked the same music, dressed in the same style, we had the same movie taste. What was so wrong with Jay is his attitude.
Jay was arrogant, head strong and your stereotype for a punk guy. He was nothing like my most recent ex, who was sweet and caring. I think my nostalgia with Jay is that in reality we never had a relationship. We never told each other that we were together but just kinda fell in to place like that. Even though I hated his ways I loved being around him, time and time again.
I think its safe to say that in a way I cared for Jay. Until last week when he made it clear that he has willingly taken advantage of me. The reason I didn’t become serious with him was for the fact that the way he treat is women is not the way I deserve to be treated. What I mean is that Jay or I could not look passed that he is an destructive explosive and I am a colorful light show.
Heart Shaped Chips.
On my birthday I made a fool of myself.
I don’t regret it one bit. For the past few months I have been in a odd place between being the happiest I have ever been alone and depressed. I think I am fighting myself to continue being in a place I was months ago when in reality the present is pleasant.
I guess I tried to keep myself in that place because I was happy in a relationship after years of being content with being alone. Its hard to go back to it but I think deep down I promised myself to not come in to this new year with last years baggage.
I successful did that by my love issue is what to do with my self. I don’t want to date, but don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to go around getting “one night love”.
Let the chips fall where they may but I don’t think I will pay attention to the heart shaped ones.
Time Can Only Tell..
Looking back on the past as I do at least once a week I realized one important thing; time tells you everything. Its hard to deny it. As I sat in the car with a past flame this came to mind… “I swear that I thought I loved him at some point but how?”
See he indeed made his place in my history and I surely made an impact on him but now that I think about it..I never really loved him. In the situation I was in with him I think I loved that he met a lot of my check list but I never really loved him. My taste has changed since I met him and so have my view on him. I do care for him as a friend but nothing more. The way he was acting it seems to be more.
Love lives are like clothes, you can like the feeling of the material or love the look but what someone really need is something that is their unique fashion and fits like a glove. Otherwise, you will be out of you comfort zone.
Recently I have been thinking about one of my ex’s who I dated about a year ago. I have the tendency to think about him. He made a big impact in my life.
He didn’t so much do what my last ex did, he didn’t give me self respect or self worth. What Jay did was opened my eyes about dating. Thursday night we had a long phone conversation. We talked about our past. We never officially became a couple but we acted like we were therefore he is my ex. Not ex-boyfriend or ex-love but just an ex. He told me that there was a reason why he didn’t every make it official and because of that reason he looked for love elsewhere.
I won’t lie that at some point I hated him. The thing is with him I didn’t do what I did with my recent ex; I didn’t tell him how I truly felt about him. Those feelings have come and goes but this talk (as far as I know) closes a chapter in my life.