Push and Pull
About mid-May I met a man. Not typically my type but his genuine personality was charming. We went on a date.
I had interest but he being in the middle of a divorce was off-setting. I quick over came that and enjoyed my time with him. He was honestly perfect and that is frightening.
I was scared. I spent my time either paralyzingly afraid of a relationship or afraid of taking that risk, putting my heart in to it and losing it. The problem I didn’t notice was my heart was already in it. I use every excuse to figure a way out but at the same time I didn’t want to be out.
It was an internal conflict; wanting to be with him and being afraid of losing him. Wanting to allow myself to accept how I felt and trying to push them away because of my past. Maybe that time I spent doing that was too much of him, I am not sure.
Needless to say, he is gone now. I realized it was better to be in fear and be with him then to be in fear and be without him. Now I fear I broke my own heart for not allowing myself to open up.
I pushed him away when he was trying to pull me in. Now I am falling from all the pushing.
Find Light in the Beautiful Sea..
Sometimes I like to pick and choose what I say, but today will not be that.
In a course of events, majority having to do with the weather, I decided to stay the night with someone I had been talking to for about six months. We are in no way in a relationship.
It has been rocky ever since we started talking. So this talking has been off and on. I questioned my feeling for him a lot. I knew I liked him, or thought I did, up until he asked me to say “I love you”.
I have two problems with that. One: I have a big issue of telling anyone that I love them, even family and two: I have a rule not to say that to people I am not even in a relationship with.
He asked to just play along since we were role playing. So I did. This was probably a mistake. A mistake which lead me to question if I actually did feel that way. I was convinced that I was close enough to mean it. Later, he asked me if I actually meant it, and I told him I did. Yet, another mistake.
Anywho, with the basic back story out of the way, heres what happened. After all the “I love you’s” and spending time with him made me realize the kind of person he is. Alone he is genuinely a good person. Together we have no qualities that would benefit each other. There was no lust for me so it wasn’t what attracted me. I think it was the matter of finally having someone who had an interest in me.
So I lied awake, while he slept, and thought about things. I thought about us. There was nothing there. The feeling of nothing was not just about him but about relationships in general. I like entertaining the idea but that is all it is, an idea. That is when the light bulb turned on.
The light in the beautiful sea for me is to choose to be happy. Being happy means being on my own.
Twisted Fantasy; Possibilities or Lack There Of
So, I spent so time thinking about things. About my future and my past. I thought about how much I have wanted to be with my ex and how he and I have discussed it on multiple occasions.
We have always talked about it after we broke up but never really tired getting back together. Seem to me that all we talk about is that. So, I started to wonder what we would have if we did get together. Would we really have anything?
Then I started to think, why we are still around each other and when we are we act as if things haven’t changed. Yet when we hang out we still doing get back together.
I think it is because we are both afraid. Afraid of losing what we had but at the same time after that if we get back together we find out it really isn’t the same. We are living in a twisted fantasy.
Because of this fantasy, I stop myself from seeing the possibility of being as happy as I was with him with someone else. I am doing the same for him, too. I am honestly confused as what to do or what I want.
Because I want him but can’t have him I am not sure if I should move on. I still love him and I don’t want to hurt him. But at the same time I might be hurting myself. This is why I have, really, avoided any serious dating for the past two years. I am not sure what I want so I don’t want to confirm something I am not sure of.
At this point, what do I do?
The Big Bad Wolf & the Glass Slippers
I spend some time with the one ex I have loved. The one part of the Valentine’s day fiasco. We spent sometime together and it felt like no time had past since I had seen him.
Toward the end of the night, things felt awkward. Something felt off. I felt like I was hiding something from him and he was doing the same. It’s not that I want to hide anything from him but I never want him to think less of me.
There was one point of the night were he said something that lowered myself esteem. Knowing him well, I know he didn’t mean to say it in a negative manner. He said it to be honest.
The thing is… he made me realized that I am being who I think I need to be strong but not actually being strong. There was a point in my life (I even wrote about it) where I was happy not dating.
All of a sudden I met a guy, let’s call him the Big Bad Wolf, who made me want a relationship and to date. Needless to say it did not end that way. I realized that it was talking to the Big Bad Wolf that I was shown something pretty not something I need. Kind of like a new pair of glass slippers.
I have some, I don’t need more, but those where so pretty I would go in to debt for them. But this is a debt to myself.
I never want to be in debt to myself. I want to be myself.
Something has been bothering me. I recently I have been spending time will a person I am certainly fond of. Whether we are ready for a relationship or not he made very easy to tell him. It was quite a relief since every other time I had told someone it went wrong.
This time was wonderful, though. So I have continued to spend time with him. The thing that is bothering me I can get the guy from the last post out of my head. I have missed him more that I usually do. I have even thought about going to get coffee with him because I know it will end in a hug.
I wondered why I have been missing him, maybe it is because this time he is staying away from me. It’s not his fault, but my own. I told him we were done and pretty much implied to leave me alone. I never knew he was going to listen to me, for once.
The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, but it can also be deadly.
With that said, I have to stay away.
Baggage Claims (“No, that’s not mine.”)
The married man contacted me, again. (see, Baggage Minimal, Please. and Open Baggage) He told me that some things in our apparent dating should have been keep private and I should have not written about them.
Now to an extent I would have to agree. There are definitely some matters that should be kept only in a relationship. The difference with us is we did not have a relationship. There are those few instances where it is okay to talk about what you went through and what you learned. This is the point of my writing. I write to make make note on what I went through and understand what I am questioning about dating.
If no one ever knew spoke up and said what happened in their relationships a lot of things would still exist that are now wrong. For example, spousal abuse. (*This is not a light subject and by no means am I trying to make light of it*) If no one in or out side of the relationship thought it was wrong we would have not sense of guilt when even thinking about it. Someone said something and someone said they didn’t like it.
The point is that, the abuse could have been considered something private and personal between the couple. There are differences. And those are speaking about what you feel and have learned to educate others (or in some cases as therapy) and saying something in midst of the storm getting more people involved. The decisions you make in a relationship are yours and your spouses, no one else.
Life as a Marshmallow
It is easy for someone to tell you to toughen up or to get thicker skin, but to actually do so is so much more difficult. One doesn’t just develop a thicker skin over night. Just like reptiles it takes time for us to shed our old skin to reveal the newer, stronger one.
Over the years I will admit that I have not had the thickest skin. I am pretty much a marshmallow. Soft but when burned I am tougher on the outside. But I wonder about other people and how they can be so tough and/or cold. It is so hard for me to be tough, or cold. Even to play games with someone to get my was is difficult.
I have recently created a tougher skin but there is always one person in my life (at any given time) that makes me feel softer or more vulnerable than I am. I do my best to not show people my vulnerable moments but I have them. So how does one create a skin tough enough to attract and keep someone? If you show vulnerability you seem needy or clingy. I am not either of these. Where is the middle between the needy and personable?
I often go through phases in my life. Phases are like books to me. After I read a book I see things and think of things differently, but during the book I follow the ups and downs.
I feel like I am in a different book in the series of my life. Over the years I have, undoubtedly, been more consumed about relationships than I should be. It is not a bad thing to want that companionship, it is bad when you think you can’t live with out it. Of course, it is only human nature to want and need that affection.
Now, though, I would only want it but not need it. I tried telling this to a friend. I told him that, in all honesty, I did not want to get married. He (as well as my best friend) said that it seems like I have commitment issues. This is positivity not true.
I will not lie and say that I haven’t had them before. Now, it is a much different time. I no longer feel the need to receive assurance from anyone but my self. This is what I think I truly wanted from past relationships. The greatest satisfaction I have received, recently, is from myself.
This is why I don’t want to get married (besides religious reasons, but that is a whole another blog that I would need to start). I feel like these days too many woman are searching for Mr. Right when they don’t realize that they are Ms. Right and don’t need the Mister. I would love companionship as much as the next person but my point is I don’t need it. I don’t need that Mr.Right to tell me how pretty I am or how smart I am. I can’t do that on my own. I don’t need that self-esteem boost from anyone but myself.
I am my own Ms. Right.
My Friends Perspective.
I think by now we can all say my life is a bit crazy. My friend decided to simply put it in a short story. Short and sweet.
"There was a girl who learned lessons from her past relationships. Then she defeated a pack of wolves with her bare fist. The end."
Honestly, I see that as pretty accurate. I wonder how anyone else who reads views my love life. Please let me know.
It’s that time of year again. Everyone is getting married (or at the least) engaged. As a solider of love, I am happy that people can find the ones they want to spend their lives with.
The only thing is that I won’t congratulate people.These days, marriage has lost its special meaning. In about 30 years, I will congratulate the couple for making their marriage work for so long. Marriage is supposed to mean something that lasts. It is supposed to be your last commitment of love.
This is why I have also said in the past that someone as young as myself should not be getting married. We have not earned the knowledge to be married, to know what it takes to be with one person and only one.
We have just received a taste of freedom being away from family and parents. 2-3 years does not suffice for enough time to learn what you need for yourself. If you don’t not know what you need, how will you know what your mate needs from you?
This week an old friend as me an excellent question about relationships;
”..what if you met an awesome guy and he just poured out his trust on you totally, do you automatically trust him?”
No. I see relationships as simple reward system when it comes to trust. In the beginning you want to give them some trust, but not all. If you don’t have any trust in the beginning you are pretty much doomed, but if you trust completely you are pretty much putting your heart near a paper shredder and hoping it doesn’t fall in.
See, if you don’t give someone trust it makes it harder for your partner to doing things with out you flipping your lid. I understand if they do something that you find less then pleasing and you get upset. I have been there, but I have also been in the position where I just do nothing and get in trouble. If you can’t try to trust someone in a relationship it is because in reality you don’t trust yourself in a relationship (that is unless you have a reason to trust that particular person).
Every relationship I have entered since I was abused was a risk of not knowing if it would happen again. I trusted every person afterward enough to proceed with the relationship. Most importantly, I trusted myself to be observant enough leave a relationship if I though it was going to happen again.
Losing My Religion.
I have pretty much given up most of, if not all, my faith up on a successful relationship for me.
I am not bitter about it nor am I happy about; just indifferent to it. I don’t have a problem attracting people, but I have become to smart to give anyone a chance.
I start flirting with someone and when they show a genuine interest, I leave. Most people do this because they have been hurt to much, I don’t. Those times I was hurt were proud battle wounds. Lessons learned. I don’t enjoy being alone but I am not angry about it either. I just rather not waste my time one meeting people who’s intent is purely sexual.
I understand that there has to be a certain amount of sexual attraction at first glance, but for some reason mine never goes past that.
Dating has just become more than my cup of tea. Too much.
Dazed and Confused….and Unavailable?
I am single.
For certain I am happy and am enjoying having a kind of freedom that I haven’t had before. I do what I want with out thinking “if I do this would some want to date me?”
The only problem with me happy, single and not slutting around is I have become somewhat unavailable. When I kiss, well I make it short and if I can I avoid it. Kiss my hand, kiss my neck but the lips make me awkward for sure.
I think a have developed a fear of losing what I have now or becoming attached just to detach again. I am pretty certain it is the first one though. I enjoy being able to dance to the beat of my own drummer and not having to deal with my fear of say I love you over again.
Maybe its just not that though, I also have become so uninterested in dealing with dating in general. Its not that I hate it because in reality I don’t think we get tired of love. Maybe its that I finally realizing I am in my twenties and I should be considering settling my life down when I haven’t lived my life yet.
"Every man dies. Not every man really lives."
Kettle of Emotions.
Tonight, I received a call from my ex (jay, see bittersweet endings).
Right off the bat I knew it was not going to be the easiest conversation to have. He admitted to being drunk. He poured out his heart to me, admitting to thinking I was his “soul mate”. Admitting to loving me and that he had never stopped.
18 months ago this would have been a dream come true. Its just hard to return to something you know failed. I never gave up but our relationship was never together to be broke. Never together to succeed, hence instant failure.
I admit that I have seen myself with him for the entirety of my life. My problem is partly that I am scared for the commitment and fear of result. Fear that if it could have been so easy for him to leave someone for me what says it won’t be easy for him to leave me? He pressured me to answer him if I wanted to be with him.
Is it right to pressure someone in to being with you?
Is it love if you are pressured in to something?
Is it right to return to someone you feel doesn’t respect you?
I don’t think so.
Stalking or Living?
In life we are taught that there is the one you will spend the rest of your life with. The One you are supposed to marry, the one you are supposed to have children with. Dating’s intentions are just a mission to find the one.
I started wondering why we are all so determined to find the end to our life? Are we not supposed to enjoy life as it comes? See when dating you must have something to interest a partner other than pure sexual attraction (Lesson of the week: sexual attraction will only take to so far than your personality does the rest). If you are so busy looking for “the one” when they come alone you just might not have anything to offer beside they quest of finding them. Which in a way seems like emotional stalking. Dating is never a waste but its like medication; you must only take it in small dosage because you can become addicted and ruin your life.
Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.- Grace Hansen