And Then I Realize…

Realization.

Something I go through at least once a week about someone or something in my love life. (If you haven’t notice by now I do think about quiet a bit)

What I realized is, I need to stop listening to people. I am sure that most people have the best in mind when the give me advice. I also know they can’t help it when I talk about it to them. Honestly, I want people to listen and tell me if the situation sounds good or bad. More reassurance than advice.

The thing about me is, with all the “issues” I have, I doubt myself a lot. It isn’t just about my love life but life in general. This is partly why I have not successfully completed one program for my career. (But that is a different blog.) Listening to others and doing what they think is right is my choice. And I really should do things for my own. Friends have helped me in the past realize things but in this situation I think things have been made worse. Maybe he had good intentions in telling what to do, either way I should have done things like I always do. Now I fear I have made my current dating situation worse than it had become.

Baggage Minimal, Please.

Over the past month and a half I thought I had been dating some one quite wonderful. He seemed caring, smart, funny and stable; it was a relief to meet someone so lovely.

Til we got comfortable, this is where he started making comments about how many of my friends were male. He has an issue with me being friends with the person we met through. And in a bad series of events, his ex-girlfriend some how got my phone number and started harassing me.

It’s fine and dandy for me because harassing ex’s tend over-exaggerate the truth. She told me they were married. He told me they were never married and he wasn’t with her. When it came to the trust issues, I let him know that if he had an issue trusting me we were never going to work. I am a honest person and will tell what happen if someone asks. Things were fine after.

UNTIL, my old friend sent me a message saying he wanted to have coffee. I have not seen this friend in 7 years. The trouble about this was that the guy I was dating went through my phone. I was quite upset by the fact that he did that, but he made it seem more like I did something wrong. I was confused about it because I never went out with my friend, therefore there is not reason to be upset with me.

Not until his ex moved back to the state did I realize what was going on. Once she moved back (with his children) did quit talking to me. Honestly, I am quite fine with it because I am not in the place in my life for a relationship.

The thing I learned about all this is, if there are problems before they say your are their boyfriend/girlfriend it is not worth the effort. The beginning should never be a struggle. And their baggage should be minimal.

Reward System

This week an old friend as me an excellent question about relationships;

”..what if you met an awesome guy and he just poured out his trust on you totally, do you automatically trust him?”

No. I see relationships as simple reward system when it comes to trust. In the beginning you want to give them some trust, but not all. If you don’t have any trust in the beginning you are pretty much doomed, but if you trust completely you are pretty much putting your heart near a paper shredder and hoping it doesn’t fall in.

See, if you don’t give someone trust it makes it harder for your partner to doing things with out you flipping your lid. I understand if they do something that you find less then pleasing and you get upset. I have been there, but I have also been in the position where I just do nothing and get in trouble. If you can’t try to trust someone in a relationship it is because in reality you don’t trust yourself in a relationship (that is unless you have a reason to trust that particular person).

Every relationship I have entered since I was abused was a risk of not knowing if it would happen again. I trusted every person afterward enough to proceed with the relationship. Most importantly, I trusted myself to be observant enough leave a relationship if I though it was going to happen again.